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Beautiful Not Broken [Deluxe Edition]

by Gospel Lee

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Picture It 04:55
Verse 1: Picture me with this horrible feeling I can't explain / Resist it with my reason but the feeling still remains / unease becomes discomfort & discomfort turns to pain / And all the hopes the pain would vanish disappear like David Blane / I hate doctors, hospital gowns, hospital walls / Hate my fingers for dialing, hated that hospital call / Hate I made an appointment, hate I even have to go at all / The reason for the pain's unknown, so know I hate that most of all / And most of all the days were spent waiting for the one / Day I'd finally get this over with the day I'd get it done / Wake up on that morning my stomach is in a windsor knot / Wrestle with this worry while wondering weather it wins or not / Window locks pop down and the belts click / Shift reverse but this is no ordinary trip / She's makin conversation but my loud thoughts drown her out / Uncharted destination so uncertainty surrounds me now Hook: Hard for me to picture it, Don't know whats gon happen Anxiety is real worse than you can imagine Trapped in this cage, I just miss the old me Miss the way it used to be back when I was worry free Verse 2: Automatic doors open and I'm greeted by that stale air / Pale stare of people waiting wishing they weren't still there / I sit to join them that's when I hear my name called / Stand up, deep breath, exhale, then it's down the hall / Marching through a sea of dread the hallway getting longer / With every dreaded step the looming darkness getting stronger / The chill of that room is a chill you've never known before / owned before never have you been chilled to the bone before / And now it's test after test soon they're testing / My patience as I wonder do they know or are the guessing / CAT scans, MRI's, blood work, x-rays / They wana know for certain so they moving to the next phase / Left waiting anticipating the outcome / My thoughts are catching up & I ain't got the legs to outrun / Play 'em diplomatic like its something I can talk through / Just then the doors open & the specialist walks through / With a somber face he tells me that it's positive / It's in the later stages we can't figure out what's causing it / Stopping it is tough, well known it's just the opposite / Extremely rare type most treatment it won't respond to it / Felt the wrath of Mujliner, you could say I felt the mallet hit / Next words that he spoke were the only care is palliative / Im on the ropes now and then he's going for the sucker punch / Said half the people with this type he wouldn't see in seven months Hook: It's hard for me to picture it, don't know how it happened My nightmare is real worse than you can imagine Fear is my prison I just want to be free Emancipated to the old me, I miss the way it used to be Verse 3: Suspended in a state of shock searching for my next breath / Rocked by the shockwaves until I have no breath left / Heart sinks into my stomach, stomach plumits to the ground / Where it's found, hit every floor on the way down / And the sound it made caused the greatest avalanche / Of distress & fear it's clear I'll never have a chance / Hard to say what's worse, knowing nothing you can do / Or waiting for the avalanche as it slowly comes to you / Eyes can't hold back, this dam's about to break / There's no use in stacking levy's there's no cover you can take / My tear blurred vision sees devastation surround me / Through flashes of my life crumbling, crashing down around me / The greatest disbelief this doesn't run in my family / No advice for the grief, no instructions on the handling / the feelings of isolation, feeling like I can't deal / Feeling Like I want to wake up, feeling like it can't be real Hook: It's hard for me to picture it, don't know how it happened My nightmare is real worse than you can imagine Fear is my prison I just want to be free Emancipated to the old me, I miss the way it used to be
Ground Zero 03:09
This is ground zero welcome to my struggle / Finding pieces of my life as I'm sifting through rubble / Used to have a life, but that's hard to remember / 'Cuz that light's just a flicker atop some once warm embers / 5th of November date that I was separated / Diagnosis segregated, I was truly isolated / From everything and everyone the inside looking out / Not that I don't want to talk, we just got nothing to talk about / And when I find the words the tears start over / Tear stained hopes hopin' the worst parts over / Eyes rain every day and the rain gets colder / Waiting for the sun but get the sun's cold shoulder / Low laying clouds over me they seem to loom / With no silver linings, no chance of clearing soon / Tiny splinter in my mind, and I can't seem to get it / Even though it's in the back, it won't let me forget it / Think of it when the T.V's on and in every commercial break / Think of it when I feed my dog and even on the walks we take / My focus is diminished, attention span's abrupt / Can't hold a conversation, 'cuz my thoughts just interrupt / And worse than that's the treatment, you can't begin to describe it / Except it's so intense you wonder if you will survive it / It will drive you to your limits and push you even farther / Ten times harder than swimming in arctic waters / Overbearing, overwhelming, it's taxing and it' draining / Supposed to make you better but the pain is still remaining / In a variety of forms, the sickness comes next / Is this because of the disease or could it be the side effects / Say "hold on, don't give up" wishing it was that simple / I'm on the front line, but the war is all mental / There's little fight left, and I'm running out of weapons / Running out of options, running out of seconds / Cant bear another option that just brings little change / Spent all of my emotion, can't spare a little change / All this sacrifice and suffering to still just stay the same / Hard to hold it all together, even harder staying sane
Sidekick 04:23
Verse 1: Down but not out, this is tough but I'm makin' it / Each day as it comes in even strides is how I'm takin' it / Awakening to see my life's completely different now / Coping step by step so my therapy's to walk it out / Down this dusty path I'm burdened and heavy laidened / Weight on my shoulders so heavy the ground may cave in / Sliding on the pavement, 'cuz this walk's a tug of war / When you steppin' back and takin' ground that's when your tugged forward / Both my arms are sore been pulling' back for so long / Given to the tension unaware of what was going on / Strength, determination, and my fight is being pulled out / The core of who I am and there's nothing I can do about / Just then is when I feel my legs begin to give out / Stumble and fall but don't let the rope slip out / Dragged through the gravel worn & weary feel the journey's toll / Then I see your hand stretched out I take it and we take control Hook: Down but not out on the ropes but still swingin' Came to my side and you brought my struggle meaning Strength when I need it Catch me if I might slip Fighting twice as hard now I got my sidekick Verse 2: Picked me up, brushed me off, showed me it wasn't too late / Helped me pull back on the rope and helped me shoulder the weight / When frustration set in that's when you became the levy / And when I wanted to throw in the towel, you wouldn't let me / You were there for every treatment and procedure / Always kept your cool when most reactions would be knee-jerk / Doctor's negative reports made the battle harder / You helped me keep my chin up & hold my head above water / On call in my corner and you never left my side / Ear to listen optimism know you always would provide / Helped me stand toe to toe when my worst fears confronted me / And through it all you never once shed tears in front of me / Treated me like normal showed me I was the same / Showed me all the people standing with me fighting for my change / They would send me scriptures, send me texts, some would even pray with me / Out of nowhere some would call, some would visit and just stay with me / Showed me it was okay to not always be strong / Gave me your strength when I was weak and all my strength was gone / New light in my eyes and I got my glow back / Pushing forward through this 'cuz I can't go back / You were there for every step always kept me on track / And through it all it's clear to see that you've always had my back / Never let me down always there when I needed you / So when you said it'd be okay I found myself believing you Hook: Down but not out on the ropes but still swingin' Came to my side and you brought my struggle meaning Strength when I need it Catch me if I might slip Not alone in this fight now I got my sidekick
Beautiful 05:42
Hook: Beautiful, and not broken Beautiful, and not broken Beautiful, and not broken The beauty in this life is your spirit's never broken Verse 1: Lot of steps taken from where I started where I am / It's when I stop to look back is when it's clear to understand / If I never saw a battle, I could never see a victory / Now all the battles won forever etched into my memory / Won the battle with my mind to stay focused, stay sharp / Mental strength held me together when I almost fell apart / Fought negative thoughts with positive ones on purpose / Tempted to give up reminded of my life's purpose / Won the battle with hope so my hope I'll never loose it / Won the faith battle I don't just keep it but I use it / I Battled patience, battled trust, battled wanting to give up / These battles never beat me though they could never be enough / The battles are apart of me they made me who I am / Revealed all my resilience showed me I had strength to stand / I wear my wounds like medals, every scar tells a story / Hope to impact the future and honor those who came before me / Hook: Beautiful, and not broken Beautiful, and not broken Beautiful, and not broken The beauty in this life that my spirit's never broken Verse 2: It's funny how the things in life that leave the biggest questions / Turn out to be the same things that teach the biggest lessons / If you learn to regard them more than mere suggestions / You'll find hidden in these things of life are the biggest blessings / Supposed to weaken me but taught I'm stronger than I know / Taught me when life gets to much to bear that my strength can also grow / When I'm pressed on every side and my peace is under attack / Learned the strength I have comes to my defense and presses back / Learned a closeness with my Father in a way I've never seen before / Each day that passes we get closer and I see it more / Saw how much He loved me saw how much He cared / Saw in my darkest places He was right there / The lesson of compassion was the most profound discovery / 'Cuz with the ill and injured shared the same hope of recovery / Learned to look into their eyes when they feel like quitting's suitable / And help them up while reminding them their journey's beautiful / Hook: Verse 3: I refuse to be discouraged too fixated with this beauty / My journey shows to me it's so calming and it's soothing / And every day I wake up is a cause to celebrate / More conscious of this beauty with every breath that I take / See it in connections with strangers I've never met / Grow into relationships with people I can't forget / Medical professionals, support team, & survivors / My new family's made up of people I admire / See it cuz I'm filled with gratefulness I've never felt before / Appreciation for life's moments, I've never felt it more / Slow down to capture life happening all around me / Colors are so vibrant feel their warmth and glow surround me / Behold all of this beauty from the truest single part of me / Core of who I am you could say this is the heart of me / It's part of you, it's part of me and I believe this very much / It's the part of us that this sickness simply cannot touch / Your spirit's never shaken when they talk of odds or chances / Your spirit gives you joy in the darkest circumstances / Your spirit gives you strength when your body moves hardly / Doesn't feel sorry it crashes the pity party / Pass the torch or cross the finish your spirit will live on / Joy & inspiration for generations after your gone / Don't see this as a sickness rather greatness in the making / Show the world how beautiful it is to bend without breaking / Hook: You're beautiful, and not broken You're beautiful, and not broken You're beautiful, and not broken The beauty in this life that your spirit's never broken
Outtakes 08:57


A Hip-Hop EP concept album about the journey/battle of having cancer.


released May 13, 2014

All songs produced by Zpu Zilla.
Executively produced by DJ Mcnutty & Gospel Lee


all rights reserved



gospel lee Tulsa, Oklahoma

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